{"id":296,"date":"2013-02-02T03:10:50","date_gmt":"2013-02-02T08:10:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/emprendedor.com\/2015\/?p=296"},"modified":"2015-02-02T03:15:57","modified_gmt":"2015-02-02T08:15:57","slug":"steven-wright","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.emprendedor.site\/2015\/?p=296","title":{"rendered":"Steven Wright"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Steven<\/a>

Steven Wright (1955-)<\/p><\/div>\n

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.<\/p>\n

At one point he decided enough was enough.<\/span><\/p>\n

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’<\/span><\/p>\n

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.<\/span><\/p>\n

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.<\/span><\/p>\n

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?<\/span><\/p>\n

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?<\/span><\/p>\n

Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.<\/span><\/p>\n

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.<\/span><\/p>\n

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk.<\/span><\/p>\n

Hermits have no peer pressure.<\/span><\/p>\n

How young can you die of old age?<\/span><\/p>\n

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.<\/span><\/p>\n

I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.<\/span><\/p>\n

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.<\/span><\/p>\n

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.<\/span><\/p>\n

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.<\/span><\/p>\n

I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.<\/span><\/p>\n

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.<\/span><\/p>\n

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.<\/span><\/p>\n

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.<\/span><\/p>\n

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.<\/span><\/p>\n

I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.<\/span><\/p>\n

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.<\/span><\/p>\n

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.<\/span><\/p>\n

I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!<\/span><\/p>\n

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.<\/span><\/p>\n

I invented the cordless extension cord.<\/span><\/p>\n

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.<\/span><\/p>\n

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.<\/span><\/p>\n

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.<\/span><\/p>\n

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.<\/span><\/p>\n

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.<\/span><\/p>\n

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.<\/span><\/p>\n

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’<\/span><\/p>\n

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.<\/span><\/p>\n

I saw a bank that said \u00ab24 Hour Banking,\u00bb but I don’t have that much time.<\/span><\/p>\n

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.<\/span><\/p>\n

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.<\/span><\/p>\n

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.<\/span><\/p>\n

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.<\/span><\/p>\n

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.<\/span><\/p>\n

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.<\/span><\/p>\n

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.<\/span><\/p>\n

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.<\/span><\/p>\n

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’<\/span><\/p>\n

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.<\/span><\/p>\n

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.<\/span><\/p>\n

I went to a restaurant that serves \u00abbreakfast at any time\u00bb. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.<\/span><\/p>\n

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, \u00abWhat for?\u00bb I said, \u00abI’m going to buy some sugar.\u00bb<\/span><\/p>\n

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.<\/span><\/p>\n

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.<\/span><\/p>\n

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.<\/span><\/p>\n

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.<\/span><\/p>\n

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?<\/span><\/p>\n

If God dropped acid, would he see people?<\/span><\/p>\n

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.<\/span><\/p>\n

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?<\/span><\/p>\n

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?<\/span><\/p>\n

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?<\/span><\/p>\n

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?<\/span><\/p>\n

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?<\/span><\/p>\n

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?<\/span><\/p>\n

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?<\/span><\/p>\n

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.<\/span><\/p>\n

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?<\/span><\/p>\n

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.<\/span><\/p>\n

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.<\/span><\/p>\n

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.<\/span><\/p>\n

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.<\/span><\/p>\n

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.<\/span><\/p>\n

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.<\/span><\/p>\n

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.<\/span><\/p>\n

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.<\/span><\/p>\n

On the other hand, you have different fingers.<\/span><\/p>\n

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.<\/span><\/p>\n

So, do you live around here often?<\/span><\/p>\n

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.<\/span><\/p>\n

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.<\/span><\/p>\n

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.<\/span><\/p>\n

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.<\/span><\/p>\n

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.<\/span><\/p>\n

What a nice night for an evening.<\/span><\/p>\n

What’s another word for Thesaurus?<\/span><\/p>\n

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?<\/span><\/p>\n

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, \u00abWell, what do you need?\u00bb<\/span><\/p>\n

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, \u00abDid you sleep good?\u00bb I said \u00abNo, I made a few mistakes.\u00bb<\/span><\/p>\n

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.<\/span><\/p>\n

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.<\/span><\/p>\n

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. At one point he decided enough was enough. Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-296","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-frases"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emprendedor.site\/2015\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/296","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emprendedor.site\/2015\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emprendedor.site\/2015\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emprendedor.site\/2015\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emprendedor.site\/2015\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=296"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.emprendedor.site\/2015\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/296\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":300,"href":"https:\/\/www.emprendedor.site\/2015\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/296\/revisions\/300"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.emprendedor.site\/2015\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=296"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emprendedor.site\/2015\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=296"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.emprendedor.site\/2015\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=296"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}